amber's waves

bio...

2006-02-22T00:58:00.000-05:00

Alright, since URNA appears to be cutting off half of my info on my profile, here's the entire thing:

Well, hello and thank you to each of you here at this site who have made me feel welcomed and appreciated for being myself. To be able to present this side of me to the world has been liberating, to say the least. As many of you have shared your stories with me, I feel it is now my duty (and, might I say, privilege) to reciprocate...

As far as I can remember, I have been drawn to femininity. I’m not really sure that I understand what my inclination is either. Do I love the sensuality and softness I associate with women? Is it an inner submissiveness? Is it perhaps an escape from myself (i.e. do I enjoy it as a costume)? Am I simply proud of my ability to “pass?” Or do I want to be a girl in more than appearance? All questions which have plagued me for years, and to which I have only recently begun to address with any sincerity. Basically, I know that I am at least attracted to women, but MY role in that relationship is still foggy at best.

I also wonder if I would have the same feelings if my physical appearance were dramatically different. If it were obvious that I could never be mistaken for a woman, would I still be inclined to present myself as one from time to time? Although I have never been a large person by any means, still I have at times wished for a more diminutive figure. It is tough coming to terms with duality and also realizing that certain things cannot be changed, and accepting the way I look on both sides of the gender line has been and continues to be a struggle. While I’ll never weigh 170, I’ll probably never be 115 either, so my mental picture of my own feminine self is something I’ve been trying to recalibrate for years. At around 5’10” and 150, I blur the line between waifish male and overtly athletic female, and am constantly aware of my appearance as it pertains to each side.

As these profiles are my first introduction to most of you, I feel that a hint of disclosure is in order so that you know what it is you are dealing with. To eliminate any confusion, I am a boy who occasionally dresses as a girl. Apart from that, I don’t accept any label because I don’t fully understand the extent of my own involvement with such gender issues. I have what is shaping up to be a nice life doing what I want to do, and I have two degrees, so this is no uneducated tart you’re dealing with. I still have hopes of one day finishing my schooling, if for nothing more than the respect and pay which accompany a doctoral degree. I am a drinker, but I do not fancy beer. If you spot me in a pub, I will refuse your Guinness and retreat to my Sapphire & tonic. I do not smoke, but am not offended by those who do, as long as you are not blowing smoke in my face. However, if I wanted a mouthful of stale secondhand nicotine, I’d lick the ashtray, so a goodnight kiss is not in the works for someone who has been lighting one cigarette with the other all night. As a writer, I am accustomed to using a full complement of language, so any of you who cringe at a girl’s liberal use of strategically-placed f-bombs are encouraged to take your business elsewhere. I love music and will give anything a try; on that note, I am not impressed by those whose musical tastes exist in one genre alone. I do have very specific tastes in food, however, and I'm admittedly a bit childish in my culinary choices, so a nice dinner at a hip new fusion restaurant might be lost on me. I am a beach girl at heart, yet enjoy the night life of a beach city more than I enjoy the actual sand and surf. Still, take me there and I’m yours. Intellect and humor are important to me, as they are the two qualities I most expect to be reflected in my relationships. I absolutely love clothes; they are mankind’s most functional form of art and expression, and I am not impressed by sartorial slothfulness. Also, brush your teeth. I have a thing about that.

I am a complete fool for touch. Delicate hands and sensuousness make quick work of me. Do I want to be taken care of? Not really. I’ve done a hell of a job on my own. What I want is an equal, a match, someone who will arouse my intellect as well as my body. If there is a submissive side to me, it is definitely not predominant. Being reticent socially is never to be mistaken for an absence of will, and while I may not know what I want yet, there are definitely some things I don’t want. I am not property, I am not a trophy, and I am definitely not a fetish object. Approaching me as such will most likely get you a precipitous refusal (if not an ambulance ride). Yet despite the above warnings, I am very easygoing, quite friendly (if shy), and somewhat fragile. Handle with care.

Above all, I am not on this site to find a date or a mate. That doesn’t mean that I am unreceptive, but it does mean that “You’re hot - we should bang” emails will be held in the same regard as a call from a telemarketer. Be respectful, be genuine, and be literate, and you just might find yourself being replied to.

As I have said before, thank you sincerely to each and every one of you who make me feel more complete. You do give me strength in ways I’ve never felt, and although you may think it goes unnoticed, believe me when I tell you that your kind words are both appreciated and needed.

-A

By the way, my blog is amberkitten@blogspot if you're interested. If you're not, that's ok too; I update it about twice a year. I'm busy like that. Also, I am honored to be a part of a wonderful group of ladies at genderevolve.com. Drop by sometime.

UPDATE: I am back in school attempting to become Dr. Amber Smith, so I am even busier than before. Ugh.

My life is very complicated. Someone simplify it for me. And please hurry.

-A

instead of posting...

2006-01-27T00:47:00.000-05:00

...I have created a MySpace profile. Nothing much there, but I don't have tons of time these days.

More soon...

-A

turn up the radio...

2006-01-21T17:57:00.000-05:00

With the new year comes new music, and anyone who knows me knows that I spend WAY too much time and income on finding my next favorite album. Here are my recent attempts:

current stack:
xiu xiu: knife play
emiliana torrini: fisherman's woman
explosions in the sky: how strange, innocence
goldfrapp: supernature (which is rather disappointing)
sia: colour the small one
david mead: wherever you are

Oh, and I'm always taking recommendations. And don't say Maroon 5.

-A

it sure is loud in here...

2006-01-19T02:27:00.000-05:00

Strange heading? Perhaps. Still, I've been thinking. That's the trouble with me, always thinking.

Usually too much for my own good. Gets pretty loud in my head sometimes.

I find myself constantly prioritizing my mental energy. As much as I want to be involved as Amber, my life has not been nearly as accomodating as I would prefer. As a member of GE, I get to be involved in many fantastic discussions about transgenderism. The forum is simple: present topics, questions, ideas, etc., and use the collective intelligence and experience of others to reach a higher plane of awareness and understanding. Very enlightening, to say the least, and I am proud to be a contributor. What bothers me is that my contribution has been minimal due to time constraints. It goes without saying that my degree program eats up most of my time. What I was not prepared for was the mental capacity that my program also demands. I find my educational experience taking every last bit of mental energy, and I have been neglecting my personal life as a result. A necessary evil, sure, but the dilemma remains:

When will I have time for me?

This blog was intended as a place to not only record my thoughts, but inspire fresh ones. This has not happened yet. So, while I am swamped with school, Amber lies dormant for periods of time while the work gets done. I'm not getting to spend much time as Amber, which makes it very difficult to think as Amber. A bit schizophrenic, but definitely the case.

(I just realized how dumb it is to have to refer to yourself in the third person repeatedly. I'll try to come up with a new solution which is unambiguous and less ridiculous.)

Two weeks into the semester, and already I'm looking ahead to summer. Pathetic.

writer's block?

2006-01-18T02:30:00.000-05:00

Yes, i know. It has been a while. Believe it or not, I did originally intend to update pretty regularly. As you are aware, this has not been the case. Best of intentions, blah blah blah...

And sure, this is a lousy update, but it is one to say that I'm still breathing, so tell the cops to stop searching, call off the estate sale, and save me a seat at the table. I'm still alive, and my toughest semester ever is a thing of the past. With a slightly reduced course load this semester, I might even have time to do what I originally set out to accomplish with this blog: communicate with people. What a concept. So reply, even if it's just to say hello in return. Lets me know you're out there too.

Keep your eyes open, folks. Pictures and words are soon to follow.

-A

how to approach a kitten in the wild...

2005-08-11T03:06:00.000-04:00

Alright, I'm back, and I have a topic to discuss. Here's a little open letter.

Attention people who wish to contact me:

I received an email this week asking to see me in lingerie. Now, this happens relatively often, and one gentleman even offered to purchase said items for me (which was quite a nice gesture). Now, I have no issue with lingerie shots or requests for them. I haven't posted any yet, mainly because I haven't the time or the attire. Perhaps if I did have such clothing as to warrant a photo session, I might find a little extra time. But that is not my beef today. The email I'm referring to contained another line of text after the outfit request, which went as follows:

"[Pictures in lingerie] will show me what KIND of gurl you really are and want to be!"

Are you kidding me? There are tons of inferences in that sentence which got me hot. First off, who out there is going to get a complete read on me from simply looking at photographs of me in my underwear? Is there some new branch of psychology which requires nothing more than walking into a therapist's office and disrobing? I guess we can forget modern science now, especially since Kreskin here can thumb through a Victoria's Secret catalog and tell each of us Molly Sims' inner thoughts and desires.

Or we could just be talking about this person's self-proclaimed ability to judge character solely on choice of wardrobe. Let's erase the line between haute couture and fetishism for a second to contemplate the idea that someone might want to see me in snowshoes and a trash bag. Now, there are more than a few people out there who will, on request, wear pretty much anything for the camera at the right price. However, our friend here wants to discard that notion and come up with a profile based on what I have on in a couple of snapshots. Never mind the possibility that some people take photos in clothing bought for them; we have someone who can see past all of that and still tell you who I am without ever meeting me. Raise your hand if that sounds absurd to you too.

And what about my decision to wear such an outfit? If I decide not to, does that make me prudish and less of a t-girl? Surely this person can't be serious. Am I supposed to grab my camera, go strip down to my skivvies, and make love to the camera to prove something about who I am? I have nothing to prove. A decision not to do such photos would be more of a statement. I don't have to show off my bedroom business to total strangers just because somebody says hey, i dare you. I prefer to be the caretaker of my own free will, thank you, so please don't try to apply for the job. And for the record, I have no problem with taking or sharing photographs of me in such outfits, but they will not come as a result of such a correspondence. That I can assure you.

Thanks,
Amber

Also, thanks to everyone who voted for me this month. I was very surprised to return and see my name on the board, and while I don't think that I am as deserving as thousands of others, the sentiment was not lost on me. I am touched. Thank you all.

-A

another trip?

2005-07-17T02:24:00.000-04:00

Well folks, I am off again, this time for the rest of the month. Due to the nature of the trip, I don't anticipate getting to a computer for the next couple of weeks. Still, say hello if you are reading this, either via email, URNA guestbook, or comment here in this blog.

I'll catch up with everyone when I return, so be good!

-A

bye bye bye...

2005-07-09T13:41:00.000-04:00

Going out of town for a few days, so if you don't hear from me, then deal with it.

I'll be back soon. Stop crying.

-A

rah rah rah...

2005-07-07T10:09:00.000-04:00

OK, I know that this is a sore topic for some, but I want to air my laundry here about the voting over on URNA. I don't anticipate that everyone will agree with me, but I do hope people will at least consider my point of view before they start a flame war with someone.

What we have are people getting upset about the possibility of a single member significantly lowering their overall rating by placing a low vote. Nowadays on the site, each month's leading scorer in votes is around 9.4 or 9.5, as opposed to just months ago when it was tough to break 9. Now, we have hundreds of members scoring above a 9 each month, which further amplifies the issue: that percentage point can knock a member eight or nine pages back or so in the "top rated members" section, and folks are getting up in arms over the issue.

There is a page which shows which voters' averages are the lowest and which are the highest, and many have taken the opportunity to confront those members who consistently place on the low-average votes board. I have not done this, but I do understand others' reasoning for doing so. The page was put there to avoid abuse by members who are intent on lowering everyone else's score for whatever reason (raising their own position, personal vendetta, unfounded cruelty, or whatever), and if someone is abusing the voting, then they will now most likely hear from other members on the site. I will say that I think it is this voter stats page which is chiefly responsible for the rise in scores, since people now fear being exposed as a "bad voter." The rise may also be attributed to "fishing for votes," which happens on the site as well but is far less destructive.

As I see it, the voting system is in no way flawed. Votes are anonymous so that that they may be placed honestly without chance of repercussion from the recipient, and each person gets one vote per recipient per month. Sounds fair enough. I honestly can't think of a better way. Removing those members who consistently vote low would only add to the problem, since we would be saying "vote, but if it's too low by our standards, then you're outta here." That's not right at all.

For me, I want to hear the honest truth. Although I've never given anyone anything other than a 10, I don't expect the same by any means. I don't want the voting feature to become a cheerleading venue, where "we're all perfect here;" that negates the entire idea behind having votes in the first place. Since we are not generally accepted by the mainstream, I want an honest opinion from an outsider. For me, I think it is dangerous for some of us to get an inflated idea of our own self-image from being coddled by a very encouraging group of people, only to head out into public and have the experience be much worse than they had anticipated. Now I'm not saying that the votes are what make that scenario possible. What I am saying is that honesty in voting is our right, as is personal taste (and even prerogative - if someone wants to give me a 2 for some reason, then they have every right), and I expect no less. Sure, it bothers me when I get hit with low votes, but I at least think that they must have their reasons, and I respect that. Besides, I don't get my self-esteem from a number on a website.

I was recently reintroduced to Lao-Tzu's writings by a friend in her blog, and I feel that another of his ideas is applicable here. It was Lao-Tzu who said that "the world recognizes beauty, and in doing this they also recognize ugliness." There are varying degrees to either, and we cannot lump everything into one or the other and be done with it.

All I ask is that people vote fairly and with some constancy across the board. If you want to give everyone a 10, then please do so. We are all beautiful in our own way, and we are also extraordinary for putting ourselves into the public eye, be it on the website or elsewhere. But if you want to call-'em-as-you-see-'em, then who am I to argue?

Just be consistent.

-A

new friends...

2005-07-01T01:19:00.000-04:00

I was lucky enough to meet some friends online this past year as a member of URNotAlone. The people there have been wonderful to me (the occasional troll notwithstanding), and although I am not quite ready for phone chats and social gatherings, I am becoming more confident with this side of myself from inside these apartment walls. It appears that public Amber is no longer just a conceptualization; she seems to want out even more than I could have suspected. There is now a distinct chance that I may see some of you in Atlanta this September (you know, it is just right down the road from me)...

Anyhow, the point is to say thanks to all of you whom I have had the chance to interact with, albeit limited (due to my own reclusion). A special thanks for the invitation to join a fabulous group of people on GenderEvolve. I'm looking forward to learning from each of you, and in the process, getting to know each of you better as well.

Enough rambling. Time to break this vampirical cycle and actually sleep while it's dark outside. What a concept.

-A

you never forget your first...

2005-06-30T04:47:00.000-04:00

...so this one had better be memorable.

Hello all! Well, I'm not really sure what to say here; I'm hoping that this becomes a place where I'll say all that I might not be able to in the real world. At the very least, this will be a sounding board for my thoughts (whatever they may be), and I promise that neither profundity nor absurdity will exist alone here. I might write of struggles with my own life problems or bitch about someone who was in line ahead of me at Quizno's, so be prepared. I should also warn you to brace yourself for the emotional letdown of realizing that I won't be posting here sixteen times a day. Turn off your computer and go outside; I'll post when I'm good and ready.

All in all, thanks for taking time out of your life to come in here and waste a minute with me.

-A